WARNING. This page contains foul language, critiquing, snarky and cynical comments of Quizilla’s lovely story collection.
Disclaimer: Bold is the original story, which belongs to author mentioned. No credit taken or wanted.
Normal are my comments.
Original story by: USERNAME OMITTED
Mira watched me with her gentle gray eyes; they held their usual stubborn look, knowing Mira she wasn’t to enthralled with me accepting anyone other than myself for Master.
And why would Mira care? As far as she knows, Kasey isn’t his soul mate so Kasey and Leon getting together means that her Alpha is going to diiiie.
No, wait, I get it, Mira want Leon to die. Because she wants Oliver to be Alpha. She want to be the top bitch. I got’cha. You sly, thing you. This is all a ruse.
She sighed dramatically pouting as she sipped her water looking out from the patio to the backyards beautiful landscape of rose bushes. The wind stirred gently as soft puffy clouds passed by overhead; I smiled to myself loving the backyard.
Just roses? You guys have a seriously boring, and unimaginative landscaper. I suggest you fire him/her. Better yet, sacrifice them at your next full moon ritual. Which you probably don’t do and I’m just imagining all the possibilities…
But why love it? It’s so boring. Usually gardens have more oomph to them. Rich person or not. They should have more to look at, to admire. Whoever just plants rose bushes is one sad person.
The backyard was a pathway of brick walk way, while red roses followed along beside, each rose more perfect than the last.
There must be some shitty roses in there. Seriously, fire the landscaper/eat their flesh. Once you’ve seen one rose, yo’ve seen them all.
At least half way through the huge marble fountain could be seen, inside fish of shimmering oranges, and gold swam among the lily pads. The farther you went the roses would get bigger, down all the way near the end a huge green maze lay, usually I actually never had the time myself to go and venture it. Mira moved gathering my attention from the yard I smiled to her deciding it was time to take my leave.
Don’t have the time for it? You certainly seem to have the time as you have yet to do any servant duties other than lube yourself up for Leon. And that is some bad wording.
“Wait, how about a walk Kasey, I know you work yourself to the bone each day ohh please go with me!” She grabbed my arm her huge gray eyes staring up at me and pleading in a weird yet adorable way.
OHREALLY? Work yourself to the bone? Last time I checked, laying back and letting a guy pump your soggy folds isn’t work.
Hey, how about we start that whole “show, don’t tell” part of writing? Cause you’re sucking at it. Everyone is so delusional. Leon thinks Kasey keeps him in order (ha), Mira thinks Kasey actually does work, and Kasey thinks she’s in love with her master and that she doesn’t have “time” to herself cause she works so hard.
PUH-LEASE. You’ve been moping in the bathroom, getting violated by Leon, and having a friendly chat with Mira. You aren’t doing anything! You’re getting special treatment! I’m surprised they aren’t cracking a whip at you, denying you supper and bathroom breaks. You know, since you hide in the bathroom and ruin someone’s hard work by smudging up the mirror. And we KNOW it’s not you doing the cleaning.
I tried not to laugh loudly when she rubbed her head against my arm and pretended to whimper.
That is weird, but that is like a lower ranking canine to do that to higher ranking pack members. Which, we know Kasey isn’t a part of. And Mira is a wereWOLF, not a dog. So that is weird. Since Kasey means fuck all and as far as I’m concerned, not a part of the pack and not higher ranking. I don’t care if Leon the Alpha is humping Madam Useless, she is not considered his mate (yet) and thus has no rank. She isn’t even Omega. She’s below that.
And she’s not even a werewolf (as far as I know!!!) so she’s probably even lower. So frickin low she’s hanging out with Satan. Though Satan is one badass motherfucker. And would probably pitchfork this Mary-Sue’s ass.
“Fine, alright. But promise me not to do that again got it.” Mira smiled happily as she grabbed my arm, we walked down the side of the patio stairs walking down the brick path.
Why are you telling her what to do!?
Mira’s hair blew gently with the wind; I could feel my own trying to escape the confinements of its loose braid. Birds could be heard all around the yard, the sun high above beautiful and hot as ever.
She must have the harshest knots of the century. She probably orders barrels of conditioner.
As we reached the fountain Mira ran happily to the water and dipped her hand in the clear water. I smiled bending to do the same when I sensed something coming along behind us. I turned to late as Thief the Master’s loyal germen shepherd companion pounced on me knocking the both of us into the water.
He has a pet dog? That seems so fricking weird. I mean, he’s part wolf, and that would probably make the dog nervous, and whether or not Leon is human or wolf, dogs have a hierarchy too. So that means that the dog would most likely consider itself a member of the pack and… Leon with his wolf side and a plain old dog seem like they would conflict. I mean, it’s not exactly a human/pet relationship when the “human” isn’t human…
But I’m pretty sure the author has no idea what she’s typing on about. Probably knows zilch about wolves, dogs, and thinking. She’s just going away at her fantasy and no one is stopping to say… hey, why is this steaming pile of shit painted gold?
But I digress.
I could hear Mira’s shocked gasp and hysterical noises as I pushed Thief off of me and tried to stand up. The noise of laughter soon reached my ears as I tried to push my soiled hair from my face.
HAHAHAHAHA. My dog just tackled you into a marble fountain filled with water! Good thing you didn’t smack your head, lose consciousness, blood and drown!
What a fucking dick.
“Stop laughing you dick face!” The blood was rushing to my face as I finally managed to push my hair back in manageable order; I nearly bit my own tongue seeing Master standing with the wet Thief beside him.
You’re a servant, huh? Yeah, you’re really selling it. You just called your master a dick face. You insulted him! You don’t even call him by his first name! God I hope he tears your fucking face off.
But he won’t. Because she is a Sue, and she can insult anyone she wants, even a supernatural beast with an animal side bursting with dominance to put her in her place.
Seriously, USERNAME OMITTED, you need to stop twiddling your clit and gushing this shit all over the internet. Because it’s not good. At all.
I scowled how could I have not known that harsh laugh was him. Mira offered me her hand as I tried to move from the cold water, Master walked up and without caring about getting wet he scooped me up bridal style giving a playful kiss on my forehead, then setting me to my feet.
Ohmygawd. See? I don’t care if she didn’t know it was him. She’s still being a mouthy little shit, and he’s being an asshole letting his dog tackle them in to a marble fountain.
This is just sickening. Gag me.
“Sorry Kasey but you’re too cute when you’re mad. That’s a bad boy Thief…” He broke off laughing, as he patted Thief’s head.
Some werewolf you are. You pussy.
Mira glared at him, her usual happiness gone now replaced with its usual annoyance at Master.
Put her in her goddamn place goddamit!
Mira rolled her eyes as she grabbed my hand telling me to follow her and muttered something about shoving him in the water. I smiled at her, when looking back I could see Master still standing where he was, he was watching us walk away his face holding an expression I didn’t quiet recognize.
Hopefully complete and utter rage? How fucking disrespectful of both of them! Mira is only Beta because of Oliver, and Kasey is a fucking servant. He should be snapping at them! He’s an animal! And he’s an Alpha!
Why hasn’t Kasey done any of this hard work you keep telling me about!?
And it’s QUITE not QUIET. Fuck this chapter.
So stop acting like one!
Chapter Rating: 0/10
-Simple words are misspelled and grammar mistakes
-These fucking attitudes
-Over privileged little fuckface Kasey is so superspeshul
-Same with Mira
-Leon is a douche and a pussy
-Boring, short and rage worthy
-Where’s some of the thought and logic?
-Where’s the plot? Some foreshadowing? Anything!? No? Pointless chapter then.
I’m honestly not trying to focus on spelling and grammar. I’m mostly critiquing the story, it’s characters and “plot”.
So that’s why I don’t mention every single fuck up. It would get annoying and repetitive.